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Equinox
EQUINOX by Blazey. Winner of Best Narration in the 2017 WFWA prelude You know what I mean, don't you- when I talk of humid nights beside Luna... air stirring around us, her breathing in our ears. When we looked up through the intertwined brambles to the stars above. When we were tired yet not quite asleep... standing on the edge of a cliff, ready to let go and surrender ourselves to the warm air below us. Content to fall forever as long as we could look up at the stars and loose ourselves in them. You know what I mean...don't you? You've always known, for we are two halves of the same whole. We came from the same heart and the same mind. I have spent years and years without you, our hearts beating together although we were oceans apart. Layers of fall leaves have coated the ground, frozen, and thawed again. I have filled my heart with dazzling light you will never see. I have loved, yes, though you told me I couldn't... I have surrendered my heart and had it ripped heartlessly to shreds. I got it back, because I always do, and I am stronger. I am stronger than the willow tree over our home, stronger than the coldest ice on the pond. You didn't see me break and you didn't see me repair myself. In ways, dearest brother, my heart has created itself anew. I am no longer a baby, I am not the 'gentle moonlight' Luna said I was. And you- I see you clearly- you are not the reckless, arrogant rogue I grew up with. There is something about you- a gleam gone from your eye, a sudden stillness. Your heart has remade itself... and oh, brother, what have you become? Just listen to me... just let me speak before you run away from me again. Hear me out, and let us see if our hearts remember each other. And then you are free to run as far away as you please. Let me start at the beginning. Our beginning. i. It was so long ago- the colors of autumn are faded now, lost in the lifetimes I spent not noticing them. I find it odd how much I noticed in my kithood... how vibrant the world was. Now it is dull and pointless. But I digress, and if I remember you correctly, you waste no time on wondering and thinking. Of all things, you should remember Luna. She was a thick, layered black- through the dark color I could see hints of purple and blue if the light hit it just right. Luna had eyes like yours- pale, shocking blue. Eye-aching, I could never look at them for too long. My eyes, she said, were more like my father's, grey and cold. She was full of laughter, bursting with energy and love for life. Yet she carried a deep sadness inside of her. I could see it when she'd stare out at nothing for a long time, something sluggish and dead would crawl into her eyes and snuff out the light in her. Inexplicably it would come back again, but not for long. One thing we agreed on was Luna. No harm would come to her as long as we were there, that we solemnly promised on. Despite our love for her, Luna was the reason for our first problem. It was a mild summer day when we sat by the pond, bathed in golden light. You crouched by the water, dabbing the surface with your paw. Silky ripples spread across the surface, turning into full-on waves as you slapped the water harder and harder. " You do know," you said, startling me out of my reverie. I scowled at you, but you were unfazed by this. " that the moon is an enormous eyeball?" I snorted loudly. " That's so stupid, stupid." You sat up quickly, flinging water droplets into the air. " You got a better idea?" " Yeah," I rolled my eyes. " How about this- it doesn't matter." '' " ''You ''don't matter." " That the best you can do? Besides, who does the eyeball even belong to?" I could tell by the gleam in your eye this was the wrong question to ask. " It doesn't belong to anyone. Well, it did, but a long time ago." " What?" You sighed impatiently. " Once, right, there was an ''enormous ''cat. Enormous. That's his eyeball- it got ripped off so hard it flew all the up there." " Gross," I said, awed. " Yeah," you said triumphantly. " And guess what? The stars? They're ''blood." '' I was quite impressed you'd managed to speak for several heartbeats without sounding totally idiotic. " That's actually kind of cool," I admitted, but quickly curled my lip at the arrogant expression on your face. " But not ''that ''cool." " Yeah, right," you bragged, flattered by my momentary approval. " I can't wait to tell Luna. Race you to the den!" " No, wait!" I said hurridely, and you stopped in mid take-off, promptly face-planting into the dirt. " You can't tell Luna." " Why not?" you demanded, standing up indignantly. There was an earthworm wriggling on your head. " You're just jealous you didn't think of such a great story." I would've risen to this bait had it not been for the worm writhing unnoticed across your forehead. " It's not that," I lied, and taking full advantage of your distractable mind, said, " who gets to keep her when she's older?" " Huh?" " You know," I said, grateful that I had distracted you. " Keep her- she can't live with both of us, and we are ''not ''going to share the same den." " Obviously not, 'cause you stink," you proclaimed, then turned your attention to the rest of my statement. " Why can't she just choose?" I rolled my once more at your ignorance. " She'll just give us that load of dung about 'I love you both equally!', and 'I don't have favourites." " That's annoying. She has favourites." " Yeah." We eyed each other fiercely until you cleared your throat. " I got an idea. It's really fair, too," you added, almost as an afterthought. " Yes?" I prompted, as you remained silent for several moments, likely aiming to glean a reaction from me. " When we have to- when we're older, not now- she'll have to choose, right? We'll fight for her. It'll be awesome, like, blood and everything." I stared. " ''That's ''the brilliant idea?" " You have a better idea?" you demanded, finally noticing the earthworm and flicking it off. " Actually, yeah, " I snapped back, standing up and flicking my tail-tip. " We can still fight. But knowing that you're such a whiny looser, it'll be a ''real ''fight. To the death." I felt very proud of this statement. A silence greeted my words. I stared into your eyes, trying to work out your reaction. Finally, I got it. " Real dying? Like that one dead fox with the worms living in its eyeballs?" Looking back, I wonder at your fixation with blood and eyeballs. " That's gonna look much better than you when you're dead. But yeah." " Awesome. I'm in." With this secure in our futures, we were free to continue on with our childhood. ~ That autumn marked our fourth moon. By the time winter rolled around, we had aged a moon and had our heads mightily inflated. The wind grew harsher, transforming from refreshing to aggressive and biting. Daytime grew shorter, and night crept up on us before we knew it. I didn't like the darkness- it was suffocating and I hated that it stole my eyesight from me. Luna said I needed to trust my ears and my nose, but she still would not allow us outside late. The cold would get to us, she said- and you protested in vain against this display of smothering protectiveness. I was content to fall into warm, soft sleep. Whining, like I told you, does nothing. You cope with it, or you fight back. And as we both know, we didn't stand a chance fighting back against Luna. One morning, something was different. The dirt under the den was colder, and a strange sharpness was present in the air. Luna was gone, and you were curled up in your corner (we were too old to share a nest, now). Something was odd- and I intended to investigate it. I opened my eyes- and while they were still fuzzy with sleep, they cleared the moment I saw the entrance to the den. " We're on a cloud!" I shrieked, jumping to my feet. " Wake up, wake up! We're on a cloud!" You rolled over, mumbling and groaning. "Whayoumean?" " Wake up, stupid!" I raced over to you, butting my head into your shouler. " It's all white outside. And cold." Finally, you flopped over so your head was facing the entrance. Your golden fur was rumpled and sticking up. I tried to pry your eyes open before you swatted me away. With agonized slowness, your eyes opened and I saw the sight register in them. " We're in the eyeball!" was the intelligent remark I gained from you. " Idiot. It's a cloud." " ''Is ''not." " Is too." " You go see it then," I demanded. " Go on. Touch it- it'll be soft and fluffy." You stared at me, suddenly apprehesive. " If you're so sure, why don't ''you ''touch it?" I scowled extra-fierce. " You afraid?" " You're afraid, stinker. That's why you want ''me ''to go out there," you puffed out your chest, suddenly wide awake. " If you're so brave, go outside," I challenged. " Fine." " Fine." Taking great care to march deliberately to the entrance, you stopped briefly, staring at the white expanse. I watched, breath baited, as you lowered your paw. I thought I caugh traces of a muffled squeak, and you withdrew your paw rather quickly. But when you turned around, that goofy expression of arrogance was on your face. " It's crunchy and tingly," you announced. " Definitely an eyeball." I stuck out my tongue. " That's so not what an eyeball would feel like." Evidently, your recent success made you too good to rise to my bait. " Well, you know," you boasted. " Brave cats can do anything. Nothing stops us." " You're not brave," I snorted. " You're obnoxious." " ''You ''are just jealous," you sneered. " ''You're ''afraid of catepillars and little thing you can stomp under your feet. You can't take being wrong. You're lazy, afraid, a weensy scaredy little ''she-cat ''who needs a tom to do everything for her-" At this point, I didn't care if we were on an eyeball, a cloud, or an enormous sheep. Luna came home and found me bashing your face into the ground. We were ''irresponsible, ''she told us. We were immature and she couldn't leave us alone and oh we had no idea how much attention we could've gathered from foxes and badgers and all the evils out there- It was called ''snow. ''Which was by far more unoriginal and creative than a cloud- or even one of your adored eyeballs. Oh, dear brother- to be young again. ~ The best part of snow, we realized, was that it was particularly fun to chuck at faces. Cruncy, fresh snow was the best. It was so ''moldable, ''clicking together in the most pleasing way. I'd wait until you weren't paying attention (likely admiring your reflection in a frozen puddle) before hurling one at you with all your might. You being you made you take your revenge. Soon, it was a long drawn-out feud. A feud at which, I am proud to say, I excelled at. That winter, Luna decided to teach us about stalking. She taught us about footprints- how depth and shape told us who and when, how the spacing between them told us why. How we could measure length of stride and age. How one sniff could tell us all we needed to know. I excelled at this- my attention was never undivided. You never seemed to be looking- always distracted by what was flitting between the trees. But when she asked you something, you did as well as me. We learnt hunting to- and something rose within us. A greed and hunger that frightened and strengthened me. That desire, that horrible desire, for blood- blood and flesh- to ''kill. ''We were killers then, brother, and we still are- just different kinds. With these lessons came a realization for you- you could ''beat me ''at things. I always got the better of you in verbal and most physical fights but this... oh this was beyond play. Luna brought a rabbit back from us, one day. It was lame- one leg was twisted and folded on itself. It had nowhere to run, so when she set it down from her mouth, it faced us with something like sorrow in its liquid eyes. It was cream-colored, a soft complement to the snow. I wanted it, oh I did, I wanted to kill it and end it there and roar my triumph to the world. But I just... couldn't. I couldn't tear it up, I couldn't bite it. I felt small and a coward when I was glad Luna asked you to go first. At least you would be the coward before me. The braver one. But something was... off with you. You were quivering and not from fear. You were stretched tight like if you weren't let loose you would explode. I was grateful I could not see your eyes for you made me worry. I backed up. I could not make myself look at the rabbit. There was a sound that came from your throat. It was a hungry moan, a desperate plea to set yourself free. Luna seemed to hear you- for in her pale eyes came something different. " Now, son," she whispered. " Do it." You snarled, and you become something not my brother. You were so eager you lost your footing and didn't even bother to regain it. You flung yourself at that rabbit and tore at it, snarling and howling the while like a rabid beast. I closed my eyes, I couldn't bear to look, I could not I would not I would never forget that moment... I opened my eyes. The snow was stunning- scarlet and white and dark red, all pooled around you. The dead creature hung limply, graceful in death, from your jaws. Your teeth dripped blood. Your muzzle was drenched in it- and your eyes Oh, your ''eyes. '' They were empty, solid blue with a fire churning in them. A passion and love for the blood you tasted. A wildness, a fierceness, something untamed and repulsive. It was stunning. My last shred of innoncence and decency fell away. ~ It's funny, isn't it, how love and hate coexist? The snow turned grey and mushy, oozing over the dead grass stems. It was slate-grey, like me. You, of course, complained about how it ruined your looks. The weather was caught between winter and spring. Frost still held sunshine in its talons and it wasn't going to let go. Perhaps, since the day was caught between these two extremes, it was no surprise I realized I loved you hearbeats after I realized I hated you. I did hate you, brother, and I hate you still. Don't pretend- you despised me, too. We were by the pond. The surface was cracked and ice was barely staying afloat. You were washing your most recent rabbit's blood of your paws and I watched, surprised the freezing water did not give you chills. I shivered, and your head snapped around. " Cold?" I swallowed hard. " No, not at all." " Yeah you are." I stared at you- the red on your face, how beautiful it was and how I hated myself. " You would be, too," I hissed. " If you weren't so covered in ''blood." '' " What are you saying?" I was shaking. " You're disgusting." " And you're not?" your voice rose in pitch and you stood from the water. " You hunt, too- I saw you kill that bird!" " I hated that," I lied. " I had to." I wasn't looking but I knew you were facing me. " Don't give me that load of dung." " Load of dung?" I snarled, and snapped my stare up from the ground. " I ''hate ''it. I'm not a freak like you- I don't ''enjoy ''ripping things apart. I know- I ''know ''you love it!" " ''So what?" ''you spat. " Luna loves it, I love it-" " Because you're a ''freak. ''I was watching you that day!" " I do what's necessary!" your paw slammed down hard on the earth. " You do what's repulsive! You get off on it or something, killing things!" my voice rose in pitch. " And you don't?" you snarled. " You don't love it? Don't pretend, don't be stupid. You're no better than me, you're just as ''repulsive, ''bloodthirsty-" " Shut up!" I shrieked, feeling my claws slide out. I was shaking, and I was so, so mad. You stepped towards me and I flinched. " So that's how it is?" you said, voice quiet and deadly. " You think I'm gonna hurt you? I'm some senseless killing machine?" I curled my lip. " If you take one step closer, I will ''gut ''you." You paused for a split second- but it was not for long- like time froze. I saw your eyes move, your shoulders twitch, and then you were soaring through the air at my throat. I screamed and rose to meet you. We crashed down into the snow, teeth gnashing and claws ripping. I wanted to hurt you- I wanted to make you scream and beg for my mercy before I ended you. The sharp snow dug into my back and got in my ears, my eyes, and my nose, until I was simply clawing blindly at you. Together, we spilled our blood into the earth. I was aware of something else... another snarling, another scent. In the confusion I registered your scream and your weight being thrown off me. Something else landed on me, something wilder and more savage. I screamed again, flailing blindly and wailing as something cut into me. I was drowning- I was drowning in someone. And then the weight vanished and I felt my pain ebb. My world cleared and I was staring into the grey snow. I registered snarling and howling and screams- ''your ''screams. At once I was on my feet, vomiting and whimpering as I stumbled towards the sound of your voice. When all I heard was silence, my world crumbled. You were dead, you were dead, that was what had happened. I fell sideways, in too much pain to think or even ''scream. '' Before I hit the ground, something warm caught me. Your scent wreathed around me, warm and harsh like my world. I gasped, trying to open my eyes, but all I could see was darkness and all I could hear was you- " Ayla, Ayla," you were saying. " Ayla, wake up. I'm here- I'm here." And I did- I opened my eyes for you and saw the body of a weasel lying broken, torn, and beautiful. I began to cry and blabber as the shock of my wound took hold of me. " Solis..." " Shh, shh, Luna's here- you're safe now-" ''I love you, ''I wanted to say, but I didn't have the strength to do it. I would have told you that readily many times then, many times in our lives, but not now. It does not come easily, but I can say it only through memories. I despise you, and I disgust you- if I was told to, now, I would kill you, and you would kill me. But not without just a shade of remorse. ~ The young are resilient, aren't they? By the peak of spring I was better, and our momentary display of affection was forgotten. We continue to jab and snipe at each other, and it was a relief to settle back into our usual pattern. The young are also ignorant. I don't know when I noticed it, but Luna was coughing. Constantly. She said it was the cold, but it was warm outside now. She was still coughing like her lungs were having a fit. You noticed it, too, and because you fancied yourself a gallant hero, you went out to hunt. Since our arguement I made no more talk of hunting to you, and since the weasel I didn't mind hunting alongside you. Luna said all she needed was rest, and we believed her. The sky was full during spring. Rain continously fell in sheets. We huddled close as the sky roared and let rain drench our earth- but when it was gone, there was a whole new world exposed. The dirt was mushy and squelching, the air was hot and sticky. Water lounged in puddles, and near these puddles dwelled curious creatures. They were short, squat, and fast. Instead of fur, they had slimy green-brown skin. A strange sound came from their throats- a sort of musical gurling. I managed to catch a few, and they tasted rather nice. Just like rabbits. You called them Uglysnouts and declared they looked just like me. I said no, they were called Stinkbottoms to match your awful scent. Finally, we learnt that they were ''fruhgz, ''which was the most unoriginal name I had ever heard. Luna warned us to stay away from the fruhgz- they had diseases, she said, that could make us erupt in green boils and turn into wriggling mounds of slime. " Would be a shame, wouldn't it," I whispered in your ear. " If you suddenly became a slimeball?" You tossed your head back and snorted. " Nature would never waste my beauty like that." " Beauty? What beauty?" " The beauty you don't have, Uglysnout." We bickered so loudly, it was a surprise we even caught anything. Besides frogs, there was another thing Luna had warned us to stay away from- Clan cats. They lived in groups, and hunted just like wolves... they were held by a code and would die before they broke it. I thought they seemed rather frightening, but you were scornful. " There's no way they can beat us," you declared, miming once more how you stalked your shrew. Luna cleared her throat. " Not individually, no." Her voice was so faint I had to strain to hear. " But that's the power of Clans... in their groups, they are unstoppable. You must never go near the border, because in spring they become most active and protective. If one speaks to you, you must run away as fast as you can." So now, as we trekked through forest and rock side trails, we took extra precauation. At least, I did- every new scent was a matter of utmost importance, and we never went too deep into the pine trees. You and I plotted escape plans if one would try to eat us- but privately, we would both run and leave the other to the Clan cat's mercy. One day, we found a plentiful supply of fruhgz around a water puddle. They were everywhere- the water was teeming with them and the dirt around it was infested with their off-green skin. You and I pounced, amassing piles that would hardly fit in our mouths. To solve this problem, we decided to eat what we couldn't carry. They really were quite delicious, and I almost didn't notice the cat creeping up behind us. I pulled you to the side as a heavy body sprang from the ferns. You and I watched in astonishment- it was a burly ginger tom with eyes like summer forest leaves. His eyes flitted from us to our prey and to us again. ''You must run away as fast as you can. ''I didn't like the way he was looking at us- I growled. " ShadowClan?" he rumbled, and my heart nearly stopped. " What're you doing in rouge territory?" We were completely silent, wondering when we could run. " Oh, but you're not ShadowClan at all..." he hissed, and inhaled our scent. " Who are you?" It was then that we bolted, leaving our prey behind. We ran through the trees, zigzagging across paths and sloshing through water puddles, hoping to erase our scent. As to avoid worrying Luna, we regained our breath and cleaned ourselves off before returning. Little did we know, that was the beginning of the end. ~ I miss the twilight. It had been so long since our mother had moved from her nest. She was withering away like a fall leaf- hanging on for dear life only to be swept away by a northern wind. We hardly noticed- in our sixth moon, we were caring for both her and ourselves. We scarcely spoke, and sometimes I wonder if our stolen childhood contributed to our destruction. One of us would hunt, and the other would guard. We scarcely considered the fact that at any moment we could die- and we could have, several times. Life, destiny, or perhaps sheer luck favoured us. I don't know. I prefer to think it was entirely of my doing. They tell you heroism comes in the moment of danger. They tell you it's easy to be brave, to find mental resolve. It's not, it is the hardest thing- to face your death and not turn and run away. When I saw that fox come out of the bushes, snarling, jaws dripping, my insides froze with terror. Bile rose in my throat and I cried out, screaming until my throat was hoarse. It was only you that saved me- and together we were able to drive it away. I could not kill that rabbit, even when it was crippled in front of me. I could not kill this fox when it was about to slaughter my mother. I could not even help ''you ''when you endangered your life for me. I was not a fighter. I was weak, so weak. You realized this, too, and from now on you were protecting Luna and I was out hunting. No matter the danger I faced, we both had this understanding- Luna could not die. Even though the den smelled of raw sickness and Luna coughed up blood, she had to be preserved. I was better at hunting anyways. ... or so I thought. I had been stalking a pitiful mouse all day. Everytime I got close it bolted, but I wasn't going to give up. I planned to wear it out until it died, but I was practically falling over from exhaustion. Finally, as it nibbled at the floor, I was ready. ''This is it, ''I told myself- but before I could pounce, there was a shift in the wind. The mouse bolted, I cried out in infrustration, and there was a loud squeal. When I looked up, the ginger tom I had seen so long ago stood in front of me, mouse in his jaws. I hissed, but I could not speak. " Take it," he rumbled, and his cold eyes softened. " You need this." ''I don't need it, ''I thought, snatching it up hurridely. ''My shell of a mother needs it. '' I bolted, feeling his eyes burn into my pelt. I knew he was following me home, and I had no choice but to lead him right to it. As I approached the den, I saw his green eyes peeking up at me through the bushes- and there was no twinkle in them, merely cold interest. As fast as I could, I walked to the den. You were guarding it, pacing constantly- your bones showed through your pelt, and your glorious blue eyes were dull. You didn't look at me as I went to give my precious prey to the dead. The den was dark and thick with sickness. It oozed around my paws as soon as I stepped in. In this dark abyss, I could hear Luna's raspy breathing. In, out- painful, like it scraped her throat. In the corner, Luna's thick black pelt blended in with the darkness- she was the sickness, she had become it. She didn't move, she didn't speak, she just breathed. " Here," I squeaked, thrownig down my mouse. It landed at the vomit-covered nest, among the rotting remains of prey she hadn't eaten. I gingerly reached out and touched the wet moss you drank from. When I pulled my paw back, it smelled like blood. What had happened to my beautiful mother? Where was she? This was not my mother- I wanted Luna back, oh, were had my ''mother gone? I wanted her to talk to me and groom me and put me to sleep and tell me I was gentle like moonlight. I wanted her. '' I couldn't stand it any longer. I did what I was best at. I ran. ~ I stared at the surface of the pond. There I was- grey eyes like the stones around the water. Gray pelt like dirty snow, like the moon, like the winter sky. The surface was completely still- it looked so solid I could walk across it. I bent down to drink, and I felt the cold water rush through me. I reopened my eyes. There was a second reflection in the surface. I spun around, but the ginger tom was faster. He pinned me down and stuffed his tail in my mouth. I bit it frantically. He did not flinch, merely leaned forwards so his green eyes swallowed me. " We're not going to hurt you," he rumbled. I scratched frantically at his legs, and when he saw how upset I was, he let me go. I shot to my feet and growled, quivering madly. " We're not," a softer voice said, and a large white female stepped into my vision. " Please, could you show us your mother?" No. You aren't going to hurt her. " You scared her," said a third voice, and another ginger male appeared. " Come on- let's go. You said there was a brother?" " Go away!" I cried. " Don't hurt my family! " The white female stepped forwards, eyes soft pools of amber. " We won't hurt anyone," she said softly. " We just want to check up on you. Can we do that?" I sniffed, still shaking from my outburst. " Only you." She purred softly, wrapping her tail around me. " Thank you- you can come with me." I nodded, to full for words as I walked alongside her. It was like I had my mother back, and I could pretend it was Luna with me, it was Luna whose flank my face was pressed against... " Ayla!" a voice snapped, and I opened my eyes. You stood in front of the den, snarling, claws out. " What are you doing? Who're you? Step back!" " You poor baby..." the female gasped, and I felt an odd twinge in my heart. ''Baby. ''How could we be babies when we had kept our mother alive for moons? " She's here to check on Luna," I called out to you. " I don't trust her." " Please, Solis." You snarled but sheathed your claws, stepping back to give the white female room. She thanked you and hurried forwards, and you gave a distrstful growl as she passed inwards. I rushed over to you, staring, and felt dread churn in my stomach. She emerged seconds later, warmth gone from her eyes. " Just as you thought," she called to the ginger toms. " As good as dead." My heart turned to stone. " She's not dead," I said frantically to you. " She's not!" You shushed me, and I pressed even closer to you, jutting bones practically touching. I was shaking, and when the other two walked up, I whimpered. " We're taking you home," the green-eyed one said. " You can't survive out here- your mother's practically dead and you're starving-" "- you'll be better off in RiverClan," the female finished. " My name is Snowflight. These are Hawkface and Oakpelt. Now, come on." I was frozen as they began to walk away. " No," I whimpered, and they turned back. " Please. This is my home." You joined in, and for the first time, I heard your voice break with tears. " Don't take us away from Luna. She's all we have." Hawkface- or perhaps it was Oakpelt- spat. " She's a coughing, bloody mess." " She's my mother!" I screamed. " I don't ''care if she's dead, I don't care! I'm not leaving her!" You wrapped your tail around me. " Please," you begged. " My sister-" "-is dying," Hawkface snarled. " Look at her, she can barely stand. This what you want, is it, stay with your rotting mother and kill your sister?" Both of us were silent at his horrible words. You stared straight at that tom, and I could see your eyes dimming with horror. " Ayla," you croaked. " Go with him." I stumbled as you shoved me forwards. " Aren't you coming?" You kept staring at that tom, face broken. Hawkface simply nodded once. " Stay with your mother. We'll take care of your sister." I was staring at you in disbelief as he swept me away with his tail. Your head bowed to the floor, a picture of defeat and emptiness. " Solis?" I squeaked, and saw you flinch. " Why are you leaving me?" Snowflight took me from the tom, shushing me gently, but I fought her off. She dropped me and I began to bolt back to you, when something stopped me. Like a great black shadow, something was emerging from the den. Even though I could not see your expression, I imagined you gaping in terror as the creature we'd nursed came out into the light. " A-ayla," it croaked. " Sol-is. Ay-la. Sol-is." A cry rose and died in my throat. " Luna." It didn't hear me. " Ayla. Solis." The creature fell on its side, coughing painfully. Hawkface's voice drifted across the den. " Your choice. Hurry." I looked at what used to be my mother, and at you. My heart was tearing itself apart. " Solis," I cried. " Please." " Ay''laaaa. Soooo''lis." I could feel you close your eyes and sway. Snowflight curled her tail around me and I shuddered. " Solis, ''please. I'm begging you!" But I didn't know what I was begging you for. " You're my brother, you're my second heart, you're everything. Solis!" " S-solis." With a heart-wrenching cry, you turned away from Luna and launched yourself at me. We fell together, the same spot we fought moons ago. I felt my heart bleed into the earth, and I knew yours did too. Too numb to speak, we felt Snowflight pick us up and lead us away. As I left my home, my heart, and my soul behind, I heard her wailing. My mother. " Ayla? Solis?" I squeezed my eyes shut. " My babies. My babies. Ayla? Solis?" I flattened my ears. I felt you tremble. " Ayla!" she screamed, and that cry ripped through her throat and into the sky. " Solis!" The last time anyone said my name, my true name, was in my mother's bloodcurdling cry. intermission " Luna," you say, and your voice is the mountain I saw crumble in the time I searched for you. " Yes, Luna." " I loved her." My heart turns sour. " You loved no other." ii. Now begins the new chapter, now comes the new sunrise. Listen, brother, listen. Hear the sun shudder to a stop, hear the moon screech as it turns backwards and backwards, whizzing through the night until the whole sky becomes a silver dome. Look below, let your vision spiral downward. Despite the golden, green, and blue expanses of our world around you, let your eyes hone in on one spot. The edge of a forest. The crowns of individual trees become clearer now as you come closer and closer, and now you are moving fast, too fast, you won't stop when you finally hit the ground- Luckily, there is nothing left of you and me to break. There we were- five cats at the edge of the forest with the silhouettes of human homes behind us. In the failing light of the evening, all pelts except Snowflight's blended into the trees. We were padding along the treeline, slowly but sure. How I wish we had just ''stopped. ''There is no greater pain than looking back and seeing the inevitable happen again and again. My stomach twists with the pain of the past. Does yours, too? Here. Let us recollect. ~ There we walk at the edge of the forest on our fateful journey home. Cruel, isn't it, that I still think of RiverClan that way? Oakpelt walked ahead, then Hawkface behind with you swinging in his jaws. Snowflight came last, carrying me. It seemed that the moment I left Luna, whatever strength I had collapsed. I was now delirious with hunger, babbling nonsense and trying to vomit, though there was nothing in my stomach to vomit out. I believe I was slipping in and out of consciousness, but I had a little awareness. I knew Hawkface was stopping from time to time. Somewhere from within the bushes came a whisper, and Hawkface answered it. A passcode. Then dark figures slipped out from behind the tree and ushered us in. We were somewhere dark afterwards. The forest. Our journey through it was hurried and anxious. Snowflight's harsh breathing tickled my ear and wreathed its way through the black haze of my sleep. She nearly tripped once, and her harsh movements made my head pound. ''Quick- fast- faster, ''voices whispered. ''Your scent- border is near- StarClan with you. '' Then the gloom of the forest died away, and the glittering expanse of the river stood before me. I remember shouts from behind us, and Snowflight breaking abruptly into a run. The pain in my head caused my vision to go dark, and I tried to scream but my mouth seemed to be calling into itself. There was an odd noise- a sort of squelching. Then there was cold, numbing cold on my feet, spreading up through my stomach to my throbbing brain. Snowflight must have been swimming, but all I remember is giving up on my struggle for consciousness. My last conscious thought was of you- I could not see where you were, and I could not cry out. In my dreams, I was beside the ice-covered pond though it was a summer day. The golden light turned the ice yellow and carried my mother's laughter down from the sky. ~ Yellow fragments of imaginary light still remained in my vision as I opened my eyes. I registered the odd scents and my stomach twisted, knowing immediately something was wrong. I shot up. Sharp pain washed over me and I was temporarily blinded. My head felt as though it had exploded. " Solis!" I cried out, voice ragged with pain. " Luna!" Why did you not answer? Why did my mother not answer, where was- ''Luna. '' ''Ayla, Solis! My babies! '' ''Your choice, hurry. '' Realization hit me like a blow to the stomach. Horrible, horrible memories came and I buried my head into my nest, trying to block them out. I opened my mouth to scream but no sound came forth. I felt as though I were suffocating. Suffocating, brother. Why did you not answer me? " These are the ki- oh," a familiar voice called. A soft tail rested on my back, and the scent of the white female- Snowflight- engulfed me. I felt the agony in my head decrease as I surrendered myself to the sensation of being comforted, loved, by a cat I made into Luna. " Quiet, little kit." Kit? Luna never called me- ''silence, told myself, trying to return to my dream. " She looks so sickly," a deeper voice rumbled. I dared open my eyes and found myself staring into the face of a large gray male. I shrunk back against Snowflight, suddenly overcome with fear. " Right now, she does, but she'll get better," Snowflight said. " Minnowflash said so. They're strong and healthy for their age. Minnowflash estimates them at six moons." " Six? They're nearly twice as big as my six moon olds!" the gray tom exclaimed. " But are you sure they'll get stronger? I sent you to find new warriors, not new mouths to feed." Snowflight flattened her ears. " They were starving, their mother was sick. Give them time and they'll be strong warriors. No doubt." Warriors? What are warriors? ''I closed my eyes and whimpered, body racked by the pain in my head. Looking back it was perhaps the shallowest pain I was yet to feel, but at the time I felt like claws were being dug into my skull. Fever was raging through my body and I was unbearably hot. " Mother?" like cool water, your voice reached my ears. Half-blinded by pain, I struggled to raise my head. " Mother." " This one's alive," the grey tom growled. " What do you want, kit?" Your voice quavered with rage and exhaustion. " My mother. She was alive, and you ''took me from her!" '' " We saved you." The gray tom hissed back. " Shh," Snowflight said softly. " Rest, little one, you're so tired and hungry-" "- shut up!" you growled. " You know why I am starving? I've been feeding my mother, taking care of her. I ''bled ''for her, I would ''die ''for her. What do you know about that, you monsters?" I flattened my ears, trying to block out Luna's voice and the ghost of her scent. " Your mother is dead!" " My mother is alive!" you cried. " She is ''gone!" '' ''My mother is dead. '' ''My mother is dead. My mother is dead my mother is dead my mother is dead my mother is gone gone gone gone gone.... '' Like the last flakes of winter snow, my mother's image melted into the dirt, never to rise again. ''~ '' The next time I woke, I had much better control of my senses. The pounding in my head had reduced to a dull throb, and the gnawing pain in my stomach had ebbed. I still felt weak and feverish, but it was a huge improvement from yesterday. I raised my head. We were in what appeared to be extremely tall grass. The roof of the den was covered in strips of long, thick green plant (later, I was to discover these were ''reeds). Light slipped through in horizontal lines and coated the dirt floor in tabby stripes. An odd smell was in the air- not herbs, I was familiar with hose- but a tangy smell. Later, we were to learn this smell was fish. '' But I didn't know that yet. I was so confused and numbed by the frantic turn of events I could barely process anything. Luna's image was too painful to recall, but fragments of her voice and laughter continued to haunt me. I shut my eyes and opened them again, looking for you. There you were, in a nest with your golden ears peeking through the top. I croaked in delight and tried my best to stand. My legs gave out and I crashed to the floor, grunting in pain as my sore ribs hit the ground. The noise was enough to rouse you, and I soon found myself looking into your blue eyes. " Ayla?" you said, voice hoarse and scratchy. " Are you okay?" " I am well," I confirmed. " The herbs must have worked. I feel better. So much better, and I think they fed me, too." You frowned. I could see you visibly shaking with the effort of remaining standing. " Small penance for what they did to us." " ''What did they do?" " Stole us from our mother!" you hissed. " What's wrong with you, is your memory hurt?" " My memory is fine," I snapped. " Apparently not, if you can't remember Luna-" "- don't say that name!" I cried, feeling something hard prick at my heart. Pale blue eyes and dark fur swirled into my vision. " Stop it, Solis!" You stared at me, dumbfounded. " I- what? That's our ''mother's name. ''We've got to find her- I've found a gap in this weird grass den. We can sneak out and get back to our mother!" " No," I whimpered. " Please, Solis, stop it. She's... she's gone. She's dead- don't leave me Solis!" You growled. " ''Dead? ''What madness are you speaking? You actually think she's dead!" " That's what they said!" " They're lying!" you spat. I cringed as your spittle landed on my snout. " Fine! If you don't want to find her, I'm leaving." " No, please!" I cried out in panic. " No no no don't go. If you go, Solis... I-I'll die!" You snorted. " Don't be so pathetic, you'll be fine. I'll come back and get you, too, since you're so spineless." " Solis!" I sobbed, heart twisting at your words. You snorted again and turned your back, a gesture that hurt more than headaches and hunger could. Suddenly, I heard heavy pawsteps. Alarmed, I rose to my feet and hurried back into my nest, shoving myself as far down as possible. " Ah, you're awake!" Snowflight's voice reached my ears. " Time to introduce you to RiverClan." You growled. " I do not want to meet anybody." " Surely you've heard of the Clans?" Snowflight purred back, moving closer to me. I pressed my face into her fur and heard you snort with disgust. Our mother had warned us about the Clans, but surely they couldn't be that bad. " I have and I want nothing to do with them," you continued to resist. " Please," I begged, peeking out of Snowflight's thick for to look at you. Your eyes, dulled with exhaustion, seemed to soften when I met your gaze. You dropped the head you'd been holding proud and high. " Fine. But only for my sister." " Excellent!" Snowflight chirped. " How well can you two walk?" It turned out not very well, so we simply sat down outside the den. Now, I had my first glimpse of what was to be my new home. In the center of the clearing lay a pile of food. Cats flocked to and from the pile, some sharing with each other and some eating alone. I gaped openly. I had only seen a few cats in my lifetime, and I was stunned by the different colorings I saw. Each den they went to was shining, as the top of the dens were covered in some sort of special rock. It was all so beautiful, but inside I longed for the quiet peace of the forest. " It's... not so bad," I said, turning to look at you. You huffed and didn't give a response. Instead, Snowflight began speaking. " This is our camp, where we sleep, eat, and operate from. Our territory is much larger than this, however, and we often have groups of cats going to control our borders. We share borders with two other Clans- ThunderClan, and WindClan." " There are three Clans?" I asked. " Four, actually. ShadowClan is another. We don't share a border with them, and I'm glad for that... they're spooky." I recalled the tom having mistaken us for ShadowClan cats, and the apprehension in his eyes. Something about this lifestyle seemed to unnerve me. Borders, territories? It all seemed so... foreboding. " So, Clan structure. There's a leader, and under him is the deputy who will take over when he dies. We have a medicine cat to heal, and he or she usually takes an apprentice as well. Our fighters and hunters are called warriors, and they train apprentices too. Mothers are called queens and stay in the nursery to nurse their kits. Elders, or old cats, stay in camp." I tried to take all of this in. Your voice, cutting and sarcastic, rose from beside me. " You let old cats feed off you?" you sneered. " What kind of softness is that?" Snowflight looked startled. " Because that's not moral. They've served us so loyally, why would we just let them die?" " Because they're useless and old!" you snarled back. " In the not-Clan place, mothers fend for themselves. Only strong kits survive. That's how it should be, not some pathetic group like you are!" I shoved you with my tail, imploring you to stop. Snowflight's eyes were burning with rage, but I saw her take deep breaths to control herself. " You and your sister are rogues. It's not your fault that you grew up uncivilized and wild, so we will do our best to introduce morality and civilized society to you." " I do not want to learn your imbecilic ways!" " Stop it, Solis!" I hissed. " Just shut up, will you, for once?" We locked gazes angrily. Snowflight coughed. " Well, I'll bring you some kits your own age, shall I?" when she received no response, she went ahead anyway. " Can you believe this place?" you said after a moment of silence. " I haven't the faintest idea why you want to stay here." Your snide remarks were beginning to irritate me. I was too exhausted to engage in a battle of words with you, so I remained silent with my gaze fixed ahead. Snowflight's white form came into my vision, and around her danced three smaller shapes. My stomach shifted with nerves and excitement. I had never seen cats my own age, and I was rather looking forwards to meet them. But- what was this? The four cats stopped in front of me. Immediately, all three kittens hid themselves in Snowflight's fur. I narrowed my eyes- such shyness was a sure sign of weakness. Even I, flighty and nervous, had never hid like this. " Here we are," Snowflight said, her voice softening into a coo. I stared in disbelief as she gently coaxed the three kittens from her fur. They stood in front of me and did not meet my gaze, shuffling their paws and occasionally batting tiny ears. I curled my lip in disgust. There was no muscle in their tiny forms! They could have been blown away by the slightest wind. Their fur was soft and downy, had these pathetic creatures never been away from mother's grooming tongue? I was filled with a hot burst of hatred. At the time I thought it was contempt, but now, looking back, I wonder if it was mourning for the childhood I had lost. " Do you want to tell them your names?" Snowflight purred. There was no response, so she volunteered herself. " This is Spottedkit. She's our most promising kit. I'd like to mentor her some day." Spottedkit was a pathetic-looking tortoiseshell with round green eyes. She met my stare and let out a startled squeak, hiding her face in Snowflight's fur. " I'm Sootkit!" the second black kit said in a high-pitched squeak (he sounded like the rabbit I had shred underneath my claws). I exchanged and incredulous look with you. Were these kits just out of the womb? Sootkit nudged the third kit, who was a much smaller tortoiseshell. " This my sister, Poppykit." Poppykit flopped to the ground and rolled over, flailing her paws at me. I suppose this was supposed to be a gesture of friendliness, but it looked like she was having a seizure. A sudden breeze blew, sweeping a ball of moss along with it. All three kits suddenly came to life, springing at the ball and squealing like pigs. " It's mine!" Spottedkit declared, batting at it with her uncoordinated paws. " No, it's mine, you stinker!" Sootkit declared in a fit of giggles, launching himself at his sister. Poppykit squealed and soon became part of the wriggling heap of fur. I gaped. You and I hadn't behaved like this since we were two moons old. Snowflight was staring at the kits ''fondly. '' " They've got things to learn," she purred. " But they'll be great, I know, when they leave camp." " You mean they haven't been outside yet?" I burst out. " Well, no," Snowflight frowned. " That's the civilized way." " Civilized?" you cried. " They're ''babies! ''They'd be a wolf's dinner! When we were three moons old we were catching our own food. I saved my sister's ''life ''when I was four moons. And these... ''things? ''They don't even know how to speak properly!" I winced inwardly at the harshness in your words. Although I believed the same, there was a certain malice to your words that shocked me. It seemed to shock Snowflight, too. " Listen," she said, narrowing her eyes. " I don't know what hell-hole you grew up in, or what your childhood was like. But this is how we raise our children and structure our society. With love, loyalty, and a moral code. If you can't accept that, I don't know how you can fit in here." I saw you stand up, golden fur ablaze in the heat of the sun. " I did not ask to be here. You took me here- return me to my 'hell hole', and we'll agree to disagree." " What about your sister?" Snowflight questioned, and I nodded, stomach twisting. As I look back, there was something odd about how much I invested in you. I could not bear you to leave my side, or entertain the thought of you being without me. " She can stay if wishes." " No," I said. " We stay together. Solis, this place isn't so bad. Do you really want to return to that world of-of ''ghosts?" '' ~ tbc Category:Warriorfan123's Fan fics